March 4, 2008


Last night, and again tonight I'm wide awake (when the baby is asleep of course..the ONE time I can sleep) contemplating life in all it's complexities. I'm not sure why my brain turns on right as it's time to go to bed but it does.
Last night I sat and contemplated how things, big or small, never quite seem to go as I plan. I can plan down the smallest minutia and still it will go a complete different direction than I had planned. And yet...that is where the most beautiful things in my life have turned up.
A very small thing happened last night to start this train of thought going. I was going to get Bug to sleep in her crib. She fell asleep. I placed her in her crib, she slept...for about 5 minutes. And then she was awake. WIDE AWAKE. I don't often let her cry too much in the crib. Just not worth it to me when she's a foot and a half away. So I picked her up and put her in bed with me. I continued to play the game on my cell phone that is mindless entertainment, while cuddling with her and checking on her every minute or so. After a couple of minutes of this I noticed something amazing was happening. Bug had discovered her hands. I put down my phone and watched. She was very intently watching as she moved her fingers and hand. You could see the dawn of discovery happening behind her eyes. I could see how she was figuring it all out. I put my own hand up next to hers. She looked from one hand to the other. I could see her make the connection and then get incredibly wide eyed at the size of my hand. Next she stuck her tongue out as she tried out new moves. She's just like her Daddy. When there's something difficult to be accomplished Daddy sticks his tongue out too.
We played for a bit and then she fell asleep. I stared at the ceiling for awhile thinking about how different I had planned the night to be. I had planned on sleeping in my bed, waking only once and helping Bug get used to her crib. What a miracle I would have missed...what a beautiful experience. Then my thoughts began to wander. What else would I have missed had my life gone as I planned. Well for one I certainly would not have married Lee. We would never have had Bug. Instead of marrying the first time I would have gone away to D.C. and would be right in the middle of politics right now, for a country I am not sure I believe in anymore. I would have never moved home after my first marriage....the list goes on and on. But as I look back on my life..even the incredibly difficult things...I see beauty. I see a dance.
The discussion in my head has continued throughout the day. The computer has been off for the most part and Bug and I have been playing in between the cleaning. Tonight, as I was reading one of my magazines with Bug on my lap I looked down and noticed she was intently looking at the pages. I turned the page and she watched the next page just as intently. YipEE! She was ready to start reading to. I ran over to our little bookshelf on the landing and got the baby kids books. We read several of them several times. She loved them...or so I think. Lee and I then started talking, about, coincidentally enough, the same things I had been thinking. As we were talking I started touching my fingertips to my thumb for Bug to watch. She watched for a couple of minutes and then started trying to as well. I know it's probably stupid, but I got choked up and was incredibly proud. And the tension I had been carrying was gone.
For some reason I've had something under my skin today. As I've tried to disect it the only thing that I've been able to come up with is that I'm irritated. I'm irritated that I've lost almost 29 years of my life. I've lived it and remember some of it, but the problem is the living that I was doing was getting ready for the dying. So far my entire life has been about doing all necessary to get into a good place in the beyond. All I've thought about is what it will be like after this life and I haven't enjoyed this life much. How silly of me!
Since a little before Bug was born I've really been struck by the enormity of life. We are given this one single life to do with what we please. How will we remember our lives after we've moved on? I have been incredibly moved to not waste my life. I think it's easy to get bogged down in the everyday. Make sure the bottles are clean, the carpet vaccumed, the bills paid, the laundry done. Have I called this person or that? But our lives are the most precious gift we could have received, after grace and our Saviour's love. What am I truly doing with it?
I've thought for many years that I don't really believe Hell is fire and brimstone. For me, hell would be spending an eternity knowing I could have done better and didn't and that for eternity I will deal with my consequences. I wonder if we will get to the other side and though we will be in Heaven we will look back on life and say...I could have done better or more.
I'm not sure where this train of thought is going. I just know that it has kept me awake for two nights in a row. Obviously God is trying to tell me something. I'll let you know what conclusion I come to.

March 2, 2008

A Lazy Weekend

It's been a good weekend for this little family. Friday I "took the day off". I went over to my friends whose little baby is two weeks younger than bug...even though she was due a month earlier than bug. We went to lunch at the mall and then walked to JoAnn's to get some fabric. I got some black lace, some fabric with kitties on it and also three yards of fabric to make a quilt for bug. I got the black lace to put on the doors of our TV cabinet. (I heard a tip a long time ago that if you soak fabric in liquid starch it will then stick to a smooth surface. I placed the lace on there today and it worked!! Now the TV cabinet went from messy to elegant. I love it when something works!!) And the kitty fabric is to cover the xerox box of Kitty Toys.
After JoAnns we went back and fed the babies and talked. Then I came home and watched my neighbors kids. Lee and I walked down the street to dinner and then decided to walk to Ralph's, our grocery store. Bug's eyes were a bit dark and sunken and she didn't have as many wet diapers. So we picked up some Pedialyte to give her. She drank six ounces of that and then wet her diaper real good. We slept in our bed and Lee slept down the hall. Before we went to sleep bug was doing her best to roll over. Hasn't figured it all the way out yet, but she's sure working on it. I'm sure it will be any day now. Once she fell asleep she slept until 8 the next morning. (she hasn't done it since) Lee came in and got her. He generally watches her on Saturdays so I can recharge. I slept all day. I woke up for about 20 minutes around 9:30 last night and then woke up again this morning at 11:00. Lee was sick last week and I think I had a touch of it. Also I think my body said "you're done, you are not doing anything else until we sleep". Bug seemed to be OK for him, but she was quite happy when I came down this morning.
Our friend came over and we watched some Doctor Who episodes today. (for those of you that don't know Doctor Who is a British Sci-Fi/Drama television show that has run since the sixties. We're big fans in this house. However, we're big fans of just about anything on the BBCA) Then our friend went home, I've been putsing around doing small projects. I did the lace on the cabinet and got the cords ready to start transferring our videos from our video camera onto the computer then DVDs. Bug has laid on the floor trying to roll over and played with her piano. And then I fed her. After about two ounces I looked down and she was grinning at me. I then balanced her on my lap and she was able to "sit" for 30 seconds or so. After one of these sets she somehow launched herself up with her feet and almost face planted it into the arm of the couch. I caught her in time, but she thought that was really funny. Lee commented that she was so weird. I asked him if he expected a child between us to be normal. He apparently had hopes of such. ;) So now we're going to have dinner and then I'm going to take on the monumental task of bathing the child. Wish me luck!